Everyother minute I sneak peak
Everyonether minute I make sure my phone isnt on silent
Everyother minute I check Facebook and twitter profiles
Everyother minute I remember what was the last conversation and see if I can continue from there
Everyother minute I revise the “girl” plan and see if I didn’t do anything wrong
I’m tired
Can I call out?
I apologiE if ur mad at me
I apologize if I did a wring move in the plan
But this needs to stop
Until further notice..
so, let me tell you something about fatty’s that you didn’t know..
we dont look at our selfves in the mirror,
wait let me re-phrase,
I don’t look at myself at the mirror for more than a minute! because if i give more time i would analyze how i look and realize i look like a giant monster so i move away and open the fridge to comfort myself and say everything will be alright if i cover and wear long and put some makeup on my face i have a pretty face anyways
I dont go on the scale, i never knew how much i weighed until i go to hospitals or i go in the fitting room and keep on getting the bigger size til it fits, and if it doesnt i go out and have an ice cream.
they keep on saying you are eating to fill a void, i’m really wondering what is that void that i’m trying to fill?
all i rememeber i had loving parents who loved me so much and looked after me, but i never forget the nights that i used to cry to allah wishing he would send me an angel to talk to to be my best friend. i dont know if thats possible or that is normal, but i remember those nights.. i didn’t have an imaginary friend, and i dont know if it would have helped. in high school ihad a “best friend” but like all something happened and i cried my heart out and it shows later on in my life i never ever have a good close friend, i make sure they are all distant. its hard for me to trust people, and i tend to trust the wrong ones. and instead being raised in saudi i keep going back to the first fairy tale i have encountered when i was a kid: Cinderella.. and all i keep thinking of is that “perfect person” will come and rescue me and he will have those answers, but from what ihave seen from life, it doesn’t and won’t work this way! yes he may come but he won’t have all of the answers he will never fill those childhood expectations, cuz its human nature to expect and never meet those expectations.
and since this “perfect person” didn’t arrive yet, i’m eating, til i see him and then i will stop eating and this is what i honestly believe that i will loose weight when that “perfect love” will be here and all will be fixed and i will have the perfect body and we will love a happy ever after.
I’m stuck in the past, I’m stuck in a Disney story, I’m stuck in a fairy tale, I’m stuck in a myth.
I’m under the spell and i need to break free, so far, no diet, and no one was able to break it, and i’m sure that prince charming with his one kiss won’t undo the magic, cuz i’m been there done that and result: … FAIL!
so, It is down to one person.. it is down to one way.. it is down to one believe i need to hold to set myself free.
free from the slavery of a believe, that lead in a result into an action, and therefore a behavior to a lifestyle i’m living in, in pain.
Food wakes me up and gets me go out of bed Breakfast I had one orange and cornflakes I’m stuffed I feel I can’t breath
On my way for coffee+
I had a bit of cheesecake and falafel
I was stuffed by the end
I knew one thing I wasnt comfortable
